I didn’t wake up this morning intending to question all of my life choices, my lifestyle, and everything else. I do that every day anyway, but I didn’t expect to be faced with the shame and guilt of ruining myself so thoroughly for near 40 years until I decided to try a new item for lunch. That item I decided to try? Kraft Mac & Cheese Jalapeno Easy Mac. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why did I decide to do this to myself? The taste isn’t that bad, but you know as you eat it you’re dying. You can smell the burnt plastic smell after you microwave the noods. Don’t believe me? Give it a shot. I’ve never even smelled that plastic smell off of an easy mac container before – no, this was a wholly unique experience to the Jalapeno easy mac. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I should have known this was going to end poorly. I love jalapenos. I love cheese. I know that dried jalapeno flakes are way hotter than their pickled counterparts or cooked fresh jalapenos. Really, they’re pretty close to just eating a fresh jalapeno.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, y’all, this stuff is friggin’ hot. Flavor-killingly hot. It doesn’t taste cheesy, it doesn’t taste noodley, it just tastes like burning hot jalapeno dust that spreads throughout your face and causes the complete contents of your sinuses to empty themselves out of your nostrils. This isn’t such a bad thing if you have a cold, but is awful if you have a stomach flu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I took a bunch of medicine and guess what I forgot? That I have a stomach flu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was reminded that I have the stomach flu just a few minutes after I ate the Kraft Jalapeno easy mac. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sweet googly moogly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dear sweet Lord, I am sorry for all of the sins I have ever done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need to go back to church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As this molten burning hot flaming jalapeno torture projectiles out of my body through any direction it can find, taking the entirety of my internal organs with it, I have decided to change my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No longer will I be a big fat tub of goo, no longer will I live a completely sedentary lifestyle. As a matter of fact, I’m going to change careers, change my haircut, go to the dentist and get any lingering dental problems taken care of, get new glasses, change my name, shave my beard, shave my back, donate everything I own to charity, and completely change who I am as a human being. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Please, just let me survive this ordeal. Why did I do this? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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