Red Baron Pizza, Why Do You Hate Me?
Stolen from the internet somewhere, I don't know, shut up.
I have to ask this from the deepest most serious portion of my heart. Red Baron Pizza, why do you hate me? Why would you discontinue what was only the best frozen pizza on the planet over a decade ago? Everything I can find online says it was never officially discontinued, but I haven’t been able to find this pizza in at least 14 years and I’ve lived in several places in the eastern half of the United States.
The Red Baron Buffalo Chicken Classic Crust Pizza drought started, as far as I can remember, in 2012. We have eclipsed a decade and moved on to almost a decade and a half without this delectable pizza being available on store shelves, and I am still grieving its demise as a ready available, cheap, and delicious dinner. Now it is a famine – a famine! Your pizzas aren’t even in the sub-$5.00 category anymore. Can you please bring this one back? I’ll pay any amount…
Up to $7.00 – because beyond that, go away.
I lived off of these things for over a year, then they disappeared. Suddenly and into the ether like a ghostly poultry memory.
Right out from under me.
Right off of my plate.
I cried, Red Baron. You need to know that – I cried the bitter tears that only a morbidly obese man with a crappy nerd blog on the internet can cry. In fact, I cried so hard and so long, that whence I emerged from my bawl baby cocoon, after weeks of crying in the bathtub with a cold shower pointed directly at my luscious blond hair, I had transformed into a neckbearded monster. Unrecognizable from my previous form as someone with a broad build who had to shop at the big & tall sections of stores, because I’m so tall, I started coating myself in the filth of regret and grief that followed me like a rain cloud and clung to every surface like a sticky residue of model glue used for Gundams and dried out cat piss.
Woe. Woe and regret.
It continues to this day.
I have been chasing the exact flavor of this pizza since, nothing has ever matched it. This forever altered my use of ranch dressing, even. What was once a delightful combination has turned into a PTSD-triggering disappointment.
I hope you’re happy.
You’re like an annoying ex that won’t leave me alone, I have no closure!
